SOCIAL MEDIA

Wednesday, 26 February 2020

Depression




 

I've wanted to write for a while, but whenever I do I feel I have nothing important or worthwhile to say. Symptom one of depression: loss of enjoyment for the things you once loved.


I have  spent so much time playing with the idea of deleting this blog  because I am not a good enough blogger. But then I found out yesterday that someone has nominated me for Mental Health Blogger of the Year. This brought a mixture of joy and guilt. Joy because it means that despite my silence someone is still reading my words and finding comfort in them. Guilt because I am not deserving. Does a blogger who hasn't properly blogged in months even deserve to be recognised as a blogger? Symptom two: guilt, feelings of worthlessness


I've told myself for the past few months that the reason I haven't blogged is because I am unable currently to juggle a full time job and blogging. But what is becoming evidently clear is that I can't seem to juggle a full time job and a life of any kind. The last few days, weeks and months have become a mush of work, eat,sleep repeat. Not because I have a taxing job...I work in a library. My friends are dwindling, my desire to answer my phone decreasing and the only energy I have is spent at work, where i put on my best front to give the customers the service they deserve. Symptom three: fatigue, lack of motivation.


If I'm not at work you will find me in bed. Not necessarily asleep because sometimes I cant sleep my head is so loud, going over the things I've done wrong at work, criticising the size of my body and increasingly thinking about a way out. Stymptom four: suicidal thoughts


I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I guess I wanted to let you know, reader, that i do think of you, I don't want to let you down, I don't want to give up on blogging. But my world is rather small at the moment and I don't know what to say. So I guess this is a hey, this is where I am. I am safe so don't worry, I have asked for help (although it's the NHS so that will be months away) and my family and a few friends are being great. I will be okay, one day. 


Please take care of yourselves. If you recognise yourself in what I've described please talk to someone. It took me months before I was dragged to the doctors by a family member to get help. I thought it was iron deficiency, it is depression. Even if you are a mental health campaigner/blogger/advocate/whatever we are, it is easy to slip slowly and not really be aware.


Talk to someone.


Until next time


Angela x

4 comments :

  1. Such a well-written text, as always. I love reading your blog posts and knowing what's going on inside your head, and it's perfectly fine if you post once a week or once every 6 months. You know I'll always be here to read your words and I support you no matter what x

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