Sunday, 25 November 2018

I don't have much to say.

It's been a while since I've found the will to write but as the title says I don't have much to say, and that pretty much explains my absence. So this blog post may not have a point or a direction but instead, it'll be a bit of an explanation of the last month or so, consider it an update of sorts. 

I have been busy, so busy that it feels like busy isn't even the right adjective to describe it. I have been swamped under a heavy load of uni work, am currently working in a girls school which is an 80-mile round trip every week, as well as doing some campaigning work and a couple of trips home. When I'm not busy I'm tired. 

Not necessarily the type of fatigue that is cured by sleep though. Things haven't been the easiest recently and when it rains it pours. Perhaps that is why I am keeping busy; so I don't quite have the time for my brain to catch up with me. I'm not even sure I can explain some of the things that have happened, not necessarily because I can't bring myself to talk about it but rather that I am still in the process of trying to understand some bits and other bits, well, I'd rather not think about it too much. Maybe one day I'll share this reality with you, maybe not. 


I went to London last week to take part in my first ever campaigning session with Time to Change. What an inspiring experience it was and it only further confirmed for me that this is where I see my future; training and educating people about mental health. What I found most interesting was that all of my conversations surrounding mental health have always been with people that seem to have some form of an understanding about it. This was different, however, a room full of people, some with their stigmatising beliefs in tow but slowly throughout the session you could see the information sinking in and things were changing. What an amazing experience, to be part of that change. 

I've still been working behind the scenes to try to get my government petition closer to 100,000 signatures, but that is slow and sometimes it leaves me feeling a little rubbish, as though I'm a failure. However, we are almost 2 months in and 26,500 signatures is impressive. If you haven't had the chance to sign it then you can find it here  

On the theme of mental health, I also began over the phone CBT for my emetophobia, the only thing available at the minute and I will take whatever I can get. It's going well, it is hard though and I guess it is showing me just how hard recovery is going to be. I think I may be going through a period of depression as well, if not I certainly am low in mood. I've found I'm hating myself a lot, not only just my physical appearance but myself, my very being. I hate who I am as a person and then hate that people even want to associate with me. I've never felt that way before, it's all new and disorientating. I am also lacking motivation, if you saw me you probably wouldn't think that's the case as I am doing all my uni work and I'm going to work but that's just because I HAVE to do those things, I don't want to. Outside of the things that need to be done, I don't have the motivation for much else, hence why my blog has been lacking in content. 

I just haven't known what to say this past month or so. I feel like a hypocrite writing mental health content when mine isn't doing too well. Too much is going on and my brain is trying to process so much whilst still putting one foot in front of the other and smiling and nodding along to conversations I don't care about that I just don't have the brain power to think of things to blog about.  I also didn't want to write anything that wouldn't have a positive ending. I want you to be able to take something away from my posts and at the minute I don't feel I can provide that. 

I'm not sure when I'll be back to proper blogging, I'm hoping that the Christmas holidays will give me a break, some room to breathe and rejuvenate and that through that I'll fall back in love with writing and using my voice again. But for now, I'd like to thank you, for your messages of kindness and for your patience whilst I go through this painful period of change. 

Till the next time x

1 comment :

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