Sunday, 29 July 2018

The Little Moments

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

I am writing this on my 3 and a half hour journey home from Portsmouth after the #MHBlogAwards. Recently I have found myself lost in a fog of anxiety, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. A scary place to be when it feels like the force of those thoughts get stronger and you may be fighting a losing battle. The majority of my days, whilst I function normally, are filled with constant worry and a brain that seems to constantly whisper that suicide is the answer. It is draining fighting the thoughts and pretending that everything is ok. Sometimes, however, I get little moments of rest bite. Days where talking isn't too difficult, where my brain has the space to think of other things, where I don't feel constantly on the edge of a panic attack and where my cheeks actually ache from smiling. 

These are the days where for a second I look around and think to myself, wow what a beautiful moment. It is a snapshot I take and fold up in my brain just so that I can carry it around for the next time I feel at my worst. Today was one of those days. Surrounded by passionate, like-minded people gave me a sense of belonging, something I haven't felt in a little while as I just don't seem to fit in with my other friends at the minute who don't have much understanding of mental illness. I am still buzzing from the event, I'm currently looking at the sky pass by and listening to music and I feel peace. I know this current feeling won't last forever but when it feels like you have been almost drowning at sea for months, to suddenly have a rock to rest on for a few hours is complete bliss. 

These days aren't just a small break from the constant battle but they are also a taste of hope, a taste of what life can and will be like as long as I continue to fight. Its the type of day where you are glad to be alive to witness and experience it, and I don't say that often anymore. 

My suicidal thoughts are something I still struggle to talk about, but as time goes on I do worry more about the force of them, scared that one day I will snap. And whilst 80% of the time at the minute that actually feels like a nice option, days like today give me a little bit more strength, to pick myself up and be like "come on Angela, we are fighting this". 

I guess its these little moments that keep me alive. 

1 comment :

  1. I'm glad that such days come to whisper hope in your mind, and that your eyes are keen to notice these rocks on which you can rest. I hope, to keep this seafaring metaphor, that you can find enough of these rocks to connect you each day closer to the shore of safety and uncluttered brain, where anxiety can go to bed, so you can rise up after this long dreary tunnel.

    You do belong, Angela, you are part of the fighters in the MH community, where mutual support can help someone through tough moments, until that shore is visible at last. You are cared for & loved, and although I know how it is to need this same support from those around you, I also know that the rest of us do care and do want to help you.

    May you have more such beautiful and blissful moments of peace ahead on your journey!