Sunday, 22 July 2018

Sexuality labels and questions, what am I?

It is no secret that I am a virgin as it is something that a couple of months ago I took the plunge to discuss on here, if you missed that post you can read it here. Yes, I am a virgin, but I've also never kissed a guy or even had a boyfriend. Anyone I have had an interest in has always been a one-sided affair and I've never even had a guy ask me out. So at 21 you begin to wonder perhaps what is wrong with you.

Am I that ugly? Undesirable? Too shy? Scared? So many questions. And of course now with so many labels for one's sexuality flying about, that gets questioned too. Am I straight? Bi? Lesbian? Asexual? Are there other labels I haven't even heard of that I may tick the checkboxes to?

Too many questions.

So I've done a lot of thinking, trying to possibly figure out why at 21 I haven't had a boyfriend, or at this current stage, we could just say, a partner.

The first label that I thought perhaps fit most appropriately was asexual. A label I hadn't really heard of until about a year ago. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the term, an individual who identifies as asexual is not sexually attracted to anyone. This is where I am stumped because what does being sexually attracted to someone feel like? I've never had a boyfriend and so have never had the opportunity to feel sexually attracted to someone. I can appreciate a good looking boy but I don't feel like I want to jump on him, does anyone even feel like that anyway? So do I even have a definite answer to this asexuality question, no, no I do not. What I do know is that I really want a boyfriend, someone to cuddle and share moments with, however as explained in my virginity post, sex scares me, maybe because its the unknown, maybe because of the first time horror stories I've heard from friends, or maybe because I am asexual. At this point, your guess is as good as mine.

The next question surrounding sexuality labels is perhaps I'm so dead set on having to have a boyfriend that perhaps I'm looking at the wrong team. Maybe subconsciously it's girls I'm in to. I'm 21, never had a boyfriend, never even had a guy interested in me so it has probably crossed my family's mind that I may be a lesbian. Again how does one know who one is romantically/sexually interested in? Just as I can appreciate a good looking boy, I can appreciate a pretty girl. When I walk around and see bums and boobs hanging out I do look, does this make me lesbian? Or am I just looking because I am comparing myself to them? Or am I just thinking "they a nice bum and legs" good for them? Again too many questions and it is making my brain hurt. I look at a girls bum in the street the way I would look at a guy's toned chest, does this mean I am bi? Is appreciating a good looking human the same as being sexually attracted to them?

So many questions and so little answers. But why am I so desperate to have a box to fit in? I guess maybe to have a reason when someone asks why I am 21 and single, not only single but as in never even had a taste of a love life before. I guess I want a reason.

As a teen I had a huge 5-year long crush on a guy, was I sexually attracted to him? I don't know. But my heart would skip a beat and butterflies would fill my stomach every time we spoke and I knew that I wanted us to be a thing. We never were because it was a one-way thing and he used it to lead me on behind his girlfriends back. However, I have since never felt that way for anyone else, at least not that strongly. There was another guy I could trust enough to be a boyfriend but again it was a one-sided thing (that was 2 years ago). Since then I haven't felt anything, despite wanting a boyfriend, maybe because since I haven't met anyone who I found both physically attractive and with a beautiful personality or maybe because I don't allow myself to feel it in case I'll be disappointed again. 

We reach the end of this blog post and I am no wiser about if I do have a box I can fit into or if I am just selling myself short and not even opening myself up to the possibility of love out of fear. What would a label do anyway? Yeah, maybe it would give me a box and a community to fit in but it wouldn't change me as a person so I guess for now instead of searching for answers I should just stick to: I am Angela, 21, virgin, single, afraid but equally wanting love.

What a catch I am!


  1. My initial reaction was "you're over thinking it" and then I remembered that only a couple of years ago I actually tweeted "what even is sexual attraction, what does it feel like?" lol!
    There are quite a few asexual resources out there now, Ace folks sharing their experience but I would say (I'm not Ace) that not having had a partner doesn't mean you've not had the opportunity to feel sexual attraction.
    Once I realised that I'm not so much bi or pan as I am lesbian it suddenly all clicked into place for me. I wasn't asexual for not being into sex with men & not seeing men and wanting to jump them, I was gay. Having said that, I still don't want to jump people all that often. It is very rare that I see someone and think about getting down & dirty with them but it does happen on occasion and it definitely happens when I am into someone as a person (i.e. personality, etc too.) I think I'd fit in the demi-sexual box quite happily but I don't identify as demi or on the Ace spectrum at all because it just doesn't feel right for me.
    Label wise, if you want to find a label, go for it. Seek out resources, there's a lot of great YouTubers talking about this stuff. If you don't really want a label or you only want one as some sort of explanation for being a virgin, don't bother with one. As much as they can feel necessary in society atm, they're not. You are well within your rights to say that you just haven't found someone you want to sleep with. Or you're still figuring it out. Or simply that you're not really into labels. Or just "that's none of your business!"
    If you want some YouTube recommendations hit me up on Twitter, I'll be happy to send you my faves. Otherwise just do you, identify in a way that feels good to you, or not at all.

  2. It sucks feeling confused about this stuff, but I feel like with the way the worlds going there is less pressure to confine yourself to a box, and although having a label may bring comfort it won't be a comfort for long. I agree with the comment on top, there's so many resources online where you can probably find out about so many sexualities, but personally I don't think it's that important it's just important that you don't let it get you down and eventually you'll know. If you ever get another crush just go for it and don't question it, your past two crushes sound like they must have been so hard on you but don't let that deter you from finding a future girl or boy!! Sending you big love and I hope the numerous questions aren't getting you too down x

  3. I think the sheer number of labels that now exist to define sexuality should be an indicator that societies have been trying to define what attraction and what sexuality is for many many years, even centuries. We had the cisgender norms of one sex with the other, but we also had periods where being homosexual (gay or lesbian alike) was less of a taboo than the renewed puritanical and religiously obsessed cultures. We can now more or less be freer at finding our sexuality or asexuality alike, and though there is still a lot of pressure and expectations, nothing compels you to follow suit with them.

    You can be you, and you can define or redefine as you go alone your healing path, and you may change your mind, and that's ok. Researching for intellectual purposes can be interesting, but in the end, you'll need to experiment and find out how YOU yourself feel if and when you feel attraction of any kind: it can be intellectual, it can be for the person, it can be sexual, and any combination is permitted.

    There is nothing inherently wrong in being a virgin - pressure put aside, you can just remain it as long as you wish. I personally was until over 25. There is no rush, really. It could be a potential interesting project for you to research and define.

    Am afraid I don't have answers to give you for your own questions, they remain mostly very personal to your experiences in life. But, I can be a soundboard if you like.