Wednesday, 7 March 2018

Yes, I'm still a virgin

When I decided to branch outside of mental health posts this was at the top of my to do list. Yet I find myself stumbling to write this because it is being open in a way that I am not used to. So as the title suggests this post is all about virginity. As a society we are slowly becoming open enough to talk about sex and its pleasures, however, in turn there seems to be a shame around having not slept with someone and being of a certain age.

So here I am, 21, never had a boyfriend, never had sex, never kissed anyone. And that is not something I go around telling everyone proudly. Why? Because it’s almost shameful to be so pure. Surely there must be something wrong with me? How can a 21 year old never had a boy fall at her feet or take any form of interest in her? How can a 21 year old not be out in clubs, grinding her way into boys’ pants?

It just isn’t me.

 Virginity means different things to different people. Some people are raised to keep their virginity till they find “the one”, others are told by religion to keep theirs till marriage and others are left to explore the world of sex. I fall into the latter category. Since the age of 16, I have had countless embarrassing conversations as my mum would drive us to school about how we should explore our sexualities, be it with girls or boys, she accepts us wholeheartedly. We would squeal with embarrassment in the back of the car, counting down the seconds as we got to the drop off point.  At that age though, boys weren’t really on the brain, I had a few crushes but with university on the horizon, like many, I truly believed that was where I would find “the one”. First year rolled by, second year rolled by and now I’m in my third year and for some reason, something that never bothered me before, now does. Before I felt like a strong independent woman who had made the conscious decision to not have a boyfriend and to not have sex. Now at 21, things have changed.

At 21 I expected someone would have shown some form of interest in me. Yet I’ve only been chatted up once in a bar and that is as far as romantic interest goes. Of course I’ve had crushes but they have never been reciprocated.

But am I actively looking? When people ask about my love life, I shrug them off and explain how boys don’t show an interest in me. But there is a little more to it than that. What if boys do look at me, yet I don’t see it? What if I’m actually not sending any signals out into the universe? What if I am so busy actively avoiding male attention through fear that I am giving up my chance for a relationship?

My virginity doesn’t come from an upbringing of being told my virginity is some flower to be treasured, it doesn’t come from any form of religion, it comes from a place of fear. Being with someone, kissing them and eventually having sex means being close and vulnerable. Whilst I allow myself to be vulnerable on my blog, vulnerability and closeness with the male gender is something that I have built a huge wall around.

I have very little trust in men. Since being a young child I have been witness to verbal and physical abuse, the women in my family have been thrown around like dolls and spoken to like trash by their lovers. The men who are meant to love them.  Maybe I’m trying to protect myself from that? But at the same time I am depriving myself of amazing shared moments. I guess somewhere I subconsciously decided that if I don’t let any boys near enough to hurt me then I will always remain safe. Over the years I have created a sort of fight or flight response to this. Once whilst in a bar that had a dance floor, I was asked by a guy to dance.It wasn’t the type of dance where I was expected  to grind on him (sooo not my type) but instead we slow danced in each other’s arms. It was lovely and it was different. Yet it didn’t take long before we made eye contact and my anxious brain kicked in screaming “what if he tries to kiss you?” It’s safe to say I ended up running off and going home. I never saw him again and perhaps it was a missed opportunity.

It takes me a long time to get comfortable around people. As my trust in people grows so does my comfort so the boundaries I put up slowly dissolve. I come off as a very closed person when it comes to physical contact when I don’t know people, however, I actually love physical contact. Nothing beats someone playing with my hair, a meaningful hug or a tender caress. Knowing this means that I know that my future boyfriend will need to be a patient person. Yet where does one find boys of this type?

My virginity is a choice and it is also from not having found the right someone yet. I seem to have hit 21 years old and it is suddenly like there is a ticking time bomb because surely I should have lost it by now? 

But I do still have my entire life. Why is there pressure?

I guess like with everything, it’s easy to think there is something wrong with you if everyone is doing something and you aren’t. Recently I’ve wondered if I should be following the crowd, just sleep with anyone so that I can remove myself of this label. But that isn’t true to myself and I certainly am not comfortable with that.

So I guess i'm trying to tell you and myself that it’s okay to be a virgin and to take things at your own pace, even at 21. 


  1. Society likes to mold and create norms for everything, including sex, virginity and creates a whole myth around it - including disparaging those who don't conform. How many times do we hear the phrase "you don't wanna be that old maid" or "oh that crazy middle-aged who never did it" and so many other hurtful comments. But, what it comes to, really, is living your life as you see fit.

    You don't have to follow any trend, be it in clothing, haircut or toys for boys or for girls, and then, certainly not for your sexuality, if you want it or you don't. It someone wants the sex, they gotta have it for themselves, and let you be, and choose the way you want and when you want. It's your life, and your body. So, 100% should be your decision.

    There is nothing wrong in you being 21 and on guard, especially as you witnessed abuse, and this makes it tougher to trust anyone, especially men, whom you saw doing the abusing acts and words.

    I was over that age, and as you know, guys also have that stigma for not having had the sex. I was a tad older than that when I first did, and some of the reasons were similar: I witnessed domestic violence and experienced abuse and multiple traumas that also delayed my emotional growth and readiness. But one day it happened, and if you wish it to for you, it will, you'll have to be patient and to be ready, whenever you are. There shouldn't be any rules to that. So, be true to yourself.

    1. Thank you for your comment Lulu. Your comment speaks so much truth so thank you

    2. I'm glad that it makes sense to you Angie! And you're welcome!

  2. What a wonderfully honest post. I hope lots of young women read this and realise it's ok to not have had sex by 21, or 25, or whenever really! It's such a personal thing and like you mention a variety of reasons. As a Christian I have a lot of friends who are virgins to much later than you at 21, and they are happy. It does annoy me that people ask questions about it, why is someones sex life or lack of anything to do with anyone else?!
    I personally think that whatever your reasons for how you feel about sex are personal to you and shouldn't be questioned by anyone.
    I've had good experiences and bad when it comes to relationships and I am now very wary of men due to the bad past experiences so I can definitely see why you would feel this way. But I pray when you find a man he'll be one who respects you and wants to make you feel safe and secure as his partner before anything happens and when you're ready it'll be a good experience.
    Thank you for sharing your story. x

    1. Thank you for your comment Emma. I really do think people need to be aware that being a virgin is fine, there is nothing wrong with it. And everyone has their own reasons.

  3. Such a raw and honest post and even though you may feel like you're in the minority, I'm quite sure a lot of people can relate. I can very much relate to building a protective wall around you, as much as I want a relationship, I'm scared of being vulnerable and getting hurt. I think the emotion is called 'Mauerbauertraurigkeit' - which means building a wall around you and pushing people away so that they can't hurt you (but in the end you kinda hurt yourself in the process). I think it's totally okay to do things at your own pace, there really is no 'normal/ not normal' anyway, we're all unique and do things our own way. xx

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