Friday, 26 January 2018


4 days ago I arrived in Bologna and if I had to describe my current feeling it would be with the one word; "disconnected." Disconnected from other people my age. Disconnected from my best friend. Disconnected from the Bologna scene. 

I just feel so different. I don't really drink. I don't enjoy clubbing and I love catching an early-ish night and getting up early and making the most of the day. I don't speak the most amazing Italian and I'm an introvert. It seems that I am polar opposite to most people here. My best friend is a very different person to when we first met and we don't connect the way we did. So despite knowing she is here I don't feel particularly in sync with her anymore, so I am effectively on my own. 

I've been left to explore the city, which is lovely and exciting but equally doing it all alone is slowly becoming lonely. A feeling that was the source of my unhappiness in France. 

My feeling of disconnection runs deeper than this though. I feel disconnected from the blogging community. Disconnected from all the people I used to call friends. It's almost as though the current version of myself isn't enough for anyone. I just don't fit anywhere. I'm a unicorn trying to get into a square box but even the other unicorns don't want to associate with me. 

It's crossed my mind that this is all like a game and in order to play you have to change who you are. Erasmus seems to be where everyone pretends to be someone they aren't for a year. And it seems that unless you play by those rules you won't fit in. The thing is I don't want to have to change myself to gain friends who don't like the person I truly am. I did that in first year uni. I became someone else for a year. I drank myself silly and climbed roofs, I sang at the top of my lungs at 1am with people that I thought were friends, I went clubbing and danced whilst in my head feeling completely out of control. It would be a lie to say I didn't enjoy it because I did, but the "friends" i made were long gone as soon as there wasn't alcohol involved. I was also 3 years younger and I've got to know myself a lot better now. What I enjoyed then isn't what I enjoy now. 

At university in the UK I found friends like me, people who accepted me and where there was no pressure to drink or go clubbing. Instead we could watch films and chat, or we could have the one drink and that would be all. But here that pressure is very much present. 

I've come to a crossroad. Either I can stick it out, stay true to myself and peruse the hunt for people like me, I can change who I am and be the person that is expected of an Erasmus student or I can go home, disconnected from even more. 

Who knows what is going to happen. 

1 comment :

  1. I know how you feel. Stay true to yourself.