Wednesday, 7 October 2015

My Story: Recovery (Part 3)

I was referred to CAMHS (child and mental health services) and whilst I was on the waiting list I was given a counsellor in school. My sleeping pattern slowly began to improve and I was able to eat again. I started to get my life back on track. I was diagnosed with anxiety and I was given ways to change my thinking patterns. I was with CAMHS for about 4 months before I was discharged. I learnt that my self harm was a need for control, when things fall apart in my life, I would self harm as a way to be able to control at least one type of pain. Life was getting better. I was accepting that dad wasn't really in my life, mum was getting better and I was happier. I did well in my AS exams and continued my studies.

Then the second year of A level happened. It was tough with the work load and all but then life kicked in again. I felt like I was living in a hole, things would get better and then they would get worse again. I began to get bullied. I was in the same friendship group as my bully and she wanted me out. It started with her controlling which social events I could go to but it slowly escalated. Lucy (not her real name) had declared to a whole room of people that I would be better of dead and that if I got hit by a bus she would laugh. Sometimes when you are as low as you can get with the shit of life you begin to tell yourself these things, and to have someone else say it aloud sends you to a horrible place. Someone else wanted me dead. I couldn't control the tears and so I told my old head of year, someone with whom I had developed a strong relationship with. I got home and my mum noticed that something was wrong, when I told her she rung the police for some advice. When the police heard they instantly filed a report and wanted a statement, they were getting in contact with the school. Everything whirled out of control and I was scared. Going back to school was horrible but it was all finally dealt with and before I knew it I was able to be me again.

A couple of months later one of my best friends was going through a tough time, one that triggered memories from my own past and so this lead to me having panic attacks. It was a new level of anxiety that I had to learn to deal with. It started off that the panic attacks were only when this friends problem arised and I had to try to get her help, but then I soon started getting panic attacks when I felt a huge weight of work needed to be done and then before I knew it I was getting panic attacks for no apparent reason. I was filled with this anxiety again and so I went to get some help for it. Now through the help of smells and natural remedies I can deal with my anxiety, but that isn't to say that at times it unexpectedly pop back up.

So here I am, it's 2015, I have had one heck of a journey but I believe I needed to walk it to be able to do great things with my life. For one, had I not walked this road I would not be the mental health blogger, I would not be as strong as I am now and I wouldn't have this level of independence and maturity. I have good and bad days but I am happier and accepting of my past. I have had countless relapses but the important things is t hat every time I have got up and carried on fighting. I have to thank my mum, my brother, the friends that have stuck by me and of course those two teachers, without you all I wouldn't be the person I am.

Remember "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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